Everything I Say, Everything I Do
by HappyGoLuckyBB
Summary: AU: Quinn's entire attitude and life seems to change after her Sophomore year. She comes back to school with a new attitude, new friends, a new outlook on life and she doesn't want anything to do with the Glee club. Told from Quinn's POV.


Story Summary: AU: Quinn's entire attitude and life seems to change after her Sophomore year. She comes back to school with a new attitude, new friends, a new outlook on life and she doesn't want anything to do with the Glee club.

Told from Quinn's POV.

Trigger Warnings: Death and loss, suicide, anorexia.

Authors Note: If you are reading this, first of all thank you for taking the time to give this a try, and second please leave me feedback and notes on how to improve. I am looking to put out a chapter around 2500 words to 5000 words every Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday. I am busy with school at the moment, however I will know in advance and I can let you guys know if a chapter might be late.

Again thank you for trying this and I do really appreciate any and all feedback.

ENJOY.

**Chapter 1: Back at it Again.**

So many things at high-school are considered "strange", things like dressing a certain way, having a wide enough vocabulary that you don't have to use words such as "like" and "you know" for every sentence. The way you speak, dress and look determine whether you are considered "cool" or "uncool". But when someone goes from "cool" to "uncool" people have a tendency of starring, that was the predicament that I, Quinn Fabray found myself in at this moment in time. Sure I would have been starring as well if the former popular head cheerleader with the star quarterback as her boyfriend came to her first day as a Junior after getting pregnant by her boyfriends best friend, came in with shoulder length hair wearing a leather riding jacket and jeans.

Be that as it may, I knew this was coming and I was prepared, I did however expect more verbal remarks, but everyone just seemed to be silent. I liked silence, better than boos and curse words… or slushies.

I got to my locker and removed my jacket sticking it in the inside of the locker and removing the two books I needed sliding them into my shoulder bag that hung around my neck. As I was turning around to head for my first class I came face to face with none other than the notorious Santana Lopez, her arms crossed in her cheerios uniforms and high pony tail, her trademark smirk in place. "Well well well." She said still smirking as each "well" got a little bit louder. "You lose your place on the food chain so you transform yourself into this butterfly of trash and sadness."

"Nice to see you too Santana." I said dryly, giving her a tight lip smile.

"Oh the pleasure is all yours preggo, trust me." She took a step forward and got right in my face, I think it aggravated her a little that I didn't take a step back. "Let me explain how this is gonna happen Juno. I'm gonna stay at the top and you," She emphasized the "you" by looking me up and down in disgust. "are gonna stay at the bottom where you belong."

"Have no worries." I said. "I have no interest in taking your spot, all I want is to be left alone for the last 2 years of school and then we can go our separate ways."

"Oh I'm not worried Q, but you will not be left alone." Santana gave me her evil smirk and backed up a little. "You see like every loser here in school, you will be humiliated, and tortured until the day we graduate. Then we leave it to society to torture you for us." With her final words still hanging in the air she turned and sauntered off with the small group of cheerleaders (minus Brittany funny enough) followed her.

"I look forward to it." I muttered under my breath. I made sure my locker was completely shut before I made my way to history class.

Now for those of you who know me (or know of me), all these changes (the hair, the look, the new not gonna kill you attitude) probably seem really odd and out of place for me. Well my transformation from something I hated to someone I am starting to love began about a week before summer began, I of course had all my finals done and was spending way too much time alone. I had spent the time after Beth's birth lonely and depressed. Finn and Rachel were dating (and Finn also hated my guts, not like I can blame him), Puck had cheated on me at least 7 times within one month, Mercedes was hanging out with Kurt and had basically forgotten about me and the other members of glee were all doing their own thing. Mom was even busy with finishing the divorce and looking for a job in the nearby real estate agency. I was so depressed and I honestly didn't know why. When I was at school everyone avoided me for one reason or another, and when I was at home mom wasn't there. The last day of school I overheard Kurt and Artie talking about a end of school party just for the glee kids at Puck's house.

"I think Rachel is sending out all the invites." I remember Artie telling Kurt.

"Yeah she just told me about it!" Kurt had replied.

I wasn't planning on going, but the idea of someone other than a teacher talking to me sounded really pleasant. However after 2 classes which I shared with Rachel passed, the final bell had sounded and everyone was wished a good summer. I walked home alone and when I got home to an empty house I sat on the couch just crying silently. In was in that moment that I felt for everyone that I had every humiliated or I felt bad after getting slushied and pushed in the halls, but never before had I felt so alone, so helpless. My mother was in a interview across town until late and I knew that I couldn't make it past summer with the way I was feeling.

I took a bottle of tylenol and bottle of dads old whiskey back to the couch. I had made it through the entire bottle of pills and three quarters of the whiskey before I blacked out. The next thing I remember is waking up in a hospital with my mother asleep in the chair next to me. I just lay there looking at her and realizing that I had failed in taking my own life and for some reason that just made me feel worse. I had looked out the window and prayed to God to take me away from this life. But obviously he didn't.

"OH MY GOD QUINN!" Mom had shouted when she had woken to find me awake. She had embraced me and I felt like a roof had fell on top of me with the weight of all my guilt. She cried in my hair for 10 minutes thanking God that her little girl was safe. A doctor then came in and told me that mom had come home early with news that she had gotten the job and found me with a slow heartbeat after she called the EMT's she had performed CPR on me for 7 minutes before they got to me. I had been listening half heartedly up until the point that he told me that I had been legally dead for 3 minutes before they could get me stabilized. Hearing that I had actually died but me in a weird mindset. It's not like I was angry or sad, I honestly don't know what I was feeling.

After that I had been taken to the hospitals psychiatric ward. It took me 2 weeks before I actually talked to anyone, including mom. I had been assigned to the care of doctor Laurence Wilson. Doctor Wilson was a really nice middle aged therapist who spent most of our early sessions just watching me and occasionally writing down notes or doing other paper work.

"I'm not going to make you talk to me Quinn." He had told me during our first appointment. "There is obviously a struggle going on inside you right now, but you need to know that whenever you are ready to talk I will be here." I was actually really comforting to hear someone say it, and I was glad that he had.

It took me awhile to even figure out why I was so sad, at first I thought it was just because I was lonely, but after one day in the mandatory sharing sessions with my group, some guy explained that he had tried to hang himself because he had realized he was gay and that his parents had told him his whole life that gay people were sinners. Listening to him describe his situation which was all too much like my own. I started looking at myself from a different perspective. I had been told a lot that I was wearing a mask, but I never really knew what they were saying. I thought I was mean because thats how you got to the top, but as I kept thinking about the entire situation I realized that I couldn't bring myself to face the possibility that I might be gay.

I remember walking into Doctor Wilson's office for my weekly appointment and he was just sitting there filling out paperwork, he hadn't even looked up from the work he was doing. I sat down in my usual seat and just sat there in silence for a few minutes.

"I think I know why I have been feeling so depressed."

Doctor Wilson had looked up in shock and met my gaze with curiosity. "Would you be willing to share your discovery with me?"

I had nodded and started at the beginning. About how I was always told that there were certain things that God would condemn you for, about how one day when my sister came home and told dad all about this super nice guy in her class. A guy who just so happened to be gay. Dad had sped down to the school and demanded the student in question transfer. When the principal had told him no. Dad had moved us to one of the most Christian counties in all of Ohio. I told him about all the preachings in our church about hatred, self loathing, anger, obeying God's wishes above all else. Half the time I had talked I didn't know what I was gonna talk about next, the whole speech just seemed to flow out of me and before I knew what was happening 2 hours had past and I was crying and I couldn't talk anymore. After so many years of hating myself for no reason and torturing people for less than no reason I finally had the one that had been staring me in the face forever.

After that day I was active in both my appointments with Doctor Wilson, and I was also sharing during group which was new and weird thing for me. After I was released I told mom everything, she cried and told me how sorry she was for letting dad brainwash me for so long. Our relationship only got better as time went on. I had never known what it was like to have a parent that I could sit up all night with just talking and sharing our days with each other. It felt nice being out to mom being able to talk to her about whatever I wanted. It was so freeing.

I smiled as I rounded the corner heading towards my first class of the day, which was AP World History. As I rounded the corner I looked down the corridor and saw two familiar faces. No not anyone from glee. After I started participating in group, I actually made some friends, the two at the other end of the corridor were a couple of them. The first was Leah Stormson and the second was Matt Harse. Leah had been admitted to the hospital for a very strong social anxiety disorder that crippled her ability to even leave the house without having a panic attack, evidently they had found the right combination of pills to keep her at ease until they were able to help her emotional problems. Matt on the other hand had been admitted for anorexia. Evidently he had been teased a lot in junior high school for being overweight. He had turned to anorexia and he had lost almost 250 pounds which put him at a dangerous 88 pounds, for a guy that was 6'1 he was crazily slim. But thanks to the help from the hospital, he was now at a healthy (but still thin) 124 pounds. Leah in particular I had grown to call a close friend. Apart from Doctor Wilson, Leah was the first person I came out to. I just felt like we could relate to each other and she felt the same towards me.

I walked up to the two of them who were comparing class schedules.

"Hey." I said as I got within talking distance of the two. They both turned to me and almost simultaneously broke out into wide smiles. Leah threw her arms around and hugged me tight before pulling back with a squeal of delight. Leah was a very pretty girl, if she was at all questioning her sexualty I would have asked her out right away… ok probably not right away I would have been petrified, but alas she was not. Leah was about 2 inches taller than me with really curly dirty blonde hair that hung close to her round head.

"Oh my God! It feels like it's been forever since we have seen each other!. I mean I know its only been like 2 days since we have talked but still it-" She was cut off by Matt putting a hand on her shoulder and moving her slightly to the left so he could give me a hug as well.

"Sorry about her. She hasn't been able to stop talking about how excited she is since we got here." He finished by giving me an extra squeeze. "It's good to see you Q." Matt was tall for a kid of only 15, his hair was dark brown and it was short, his eyes on the other hand were a pale blue that really lit up his smile in the rare instances that he would show one.

"I don't mind." I said after being released from the hug. "It's just great to see you two again. It's also good to know that there are still people that are happy to see me as well."

Leah frowned. "What is that supposed to mean."

I shrugged it off with a smile. "Just ran into an old cheerleading.." I paused for a second to think about what Santana and I really were. "friend?"

"Well that sounds.. fun?" he put the same amount of time in between his words that I had, and we all laughed.

"So lets see your schedule!" Leah cried out. "I need to know what classes we all have together.

Leah figured out that Matt and I shared 1st period, and that we all three had 3rd, 4th, and 6th period together. So with that Matt and I gave Leah a hug and left for our class.

"For real though." Matt began. "How are you doing?"

I sighed because that was a loaded question. "Well I feel fine, it's not like Santana's hostility came as a big surprise or anything."

"Does anyone know yet?" Matt asked lowering his voice a little.

I ran a hand through my hair as more of a nervous thing than anything else. "No. No one that I know of knows."

"Are you going to tell anyone?" He asked.

"I thought about it. I honestly thought that I might come in today waving a rainbow flag around, but that would be probably too much." Matt laughed a little at that. "But I decided that I'm not gonna come out and just start telling people randomly. If it comes up naturally or I feel the time is right then yeah I will tell people."

He nodded. "That seems smart."

I laughed at the puzzled look on his face. "Well lets get to class before we are late."

…..

After the final bell rang (the day had gone by thankfully without incident) the three of us walked towards the exit talking about the day.

"Is it still cool if I come by your house to study?" Leah asked. "My mom won't be home till late and I don't like being there alone."

I shook my head in the negative. "Nope its still cool with my mom."

Leah jumped a little in excitement. "YAY. I really don't like my house when it's empty, it's like a horror movie." Despite her reasoning behind wanting company I knew that being alone reminded her of the times when she physically couldn't leave her house due to fright. She turned to Matt with a smile. "How about you Matt? You wanna study with us?"

"I can't." Matt said sadly. "I have to help my dad at the restaurant." Oh yeah, Matt's dad owned the only other restaurant other than breadsticks.

Leah's smile faded a little. "Oh. Ok then." Matt waved goodbye and headed towards his car.

As we walked towards the parking lot I tossed the riding jacket to Leah and she caught it with a look of distaste.

"I still don't see why you can't drive the car you're grandfather left you instead." I smirked back at her and lead the way to a shiny motorcycle that had belonged to my uncle back when he was in college.

Uncle Allen had always brought his bike with him to family gatherings, and every time he would show me how to take care of it. One year in particular that I remember we stayed up all night taking the entire bike apart and putting it back together. It was my favorite part of those gatherings. About a month after I turned 13 however mom got a call from her dad that Allen had died in a roadside bombing along with his entire squad in Iraq. In his will, since he had no wife or children, he left the bike and all his savings to me.

As we got to the bike I tossed Leah the extra helmet and put the main one on myself.

"You know the percentage of accidents increases when you ride a motorcycle right?" Leah asked her voice shaking a little.

I chuckled because it honestly didn't sound like a real statistic, but it wasn't worth calling her out on it. "You know I don't care right?"

She gulped. "You always say that."

I started the bike and Leah wrapped both her arms around my waist tightly.

"PLEASE DRIVE CAREFUL." Leah yelled so I could hear her over the bike. I gave her a thumbs up over my shoulder and started my way down the street heading for home.

When we got to my house I parked the bike on the yard right by the tree where Uncle Allen used to show me all the stuff with the bike

As soon as I stopped the bike, Leah hopped off it and began taking off the riding gear. I shook my head in amusement. I turned the bike off and took my helmet off setting it on the handlebar and accepting Leah's gear and placing the other helmet in the side pouch while I threw the riding jacket over my shoulder.

Leah looped her arm through mine and squeezed a little too tight.

I rolled my eyes. "Come on it's not that bad."

Leah pointed a finger in my face trying to look intimidating. " You have been riding on that thing since you were 5, I started last month give me some time."

I had actually started when I was 3 but I didn't' want to make her more angry than she already was. As we walked inside I tossed my keys and jacket on the small table right by the tall coat hanger I turned towards her as I walked to the kitchen.

"Did you want something to eat or drink?"

Leah's face lit back up. "Ohhhh can I have some of that sweet tea that you make so perfect?"

The tea in question was just water and some sugary mix but Leah was always adamant that I make it just right.

"Yeah sure, go get started in the living room and I will be right there." Leah gave me a toothy smile and took my bag from the doorway and walked towards the living room to set up our study area.

As I was pouring the water into the glasses my phone buzzed on the counter. I finished pouring and hit the power button to see a new text message. I frowned a little because that usually meant that mom was gonna be late when I touched the message button the name that popped up was not moms.

"Rachel Berry" Flashed in bright green letters. I looked at it perplexed for a second before opening the text and reading its contents.

"Hello Quinn. I hope you had a magnificent Summer break! I was just wondering why you are not currently in Glee club? The group as a whole was very much looking forward to seeing you today. Message me back at your earliest convenience."

I snorted at the "magnificent break part. I stared at the message for about 35 seconds before I heard Leah call out.

"I don't mean to rush perfection, but if you don't hurry up we will get an F in timeliness."

"Coming" I shouted back. I looked over the message again, then exited out and placed my phone back into my pocket.

I walked back into the living room and Leah gave me a warm smile as she accepted her drink.

"So do you want to start with Math or English?" Her smile fell when she noticed my expression. "Quinn what's wrong?"

I mentally slapped myself and smiled at her before setting my own drink on the coffee table. "Nothing. Just thinking about today in general." Leah didn't look sure so I shoved her a little. "I want to do Math first so I can help you through all of it."

"HEY" Leah cried and I laughed.


End file.
